A man who hated his wife's cat..

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man called his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered his wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

चूहा क्या कर रहा है?

अभिषेक - यार मै बड़ी मुसीबत में फँस गया हूँ ..

आदर्श - क्यों क्या हुवा ?

अभिषेक - अरे मैंने मेरे घर में एक चूहा देखा है !

आदर्श - ओह , ऐसी बात है तो ... एक काम करो ...
चूहे पकड़ने वाली मशीन का इस्तामाल करो ...

अभिषेक - चूहा पकड़ने वाली मशीन... मेरे पास नहीं है ...

आदर्श - तो एक खरीद लो ...

अभिषेक - मेरे पास अभी उतने पैसे भी नहीं है ...

आदर्श - अगर तुम्हे चैहिये तो मै मेरे पास वाली मशीन दे सकता हूँ ..

अभिषेक - हाँ ये ठीक .रहेगा ..

आदर्श - बस तुम्हे ये करना है की चूहा मशीन के पास आये इसके लिए थोडा चीज इस्तमाल करना पड़ेगा ...

अभिषेक - मेरे पास तो चीज भी नहीं है।..

आदर्श - ओके ... फिर एक काम कर थोड़ो ब्रेड का टुकडा लो और उसमे थोडा तेल लगाकर उसे चूहा पकड़ने के मशीन में लगा दो ...

अभिषेक - मेरे पास तेल भी नहीं है ...

आदर्श - तेल नहीं है ... तो खा ली ब्रेड का टुकड़ा रखा तो भी चलेगा ...

अभिषेक - मेरे पास ब्रेड भी नहीं है यार ...

आदर्श - चीज नहीं है ... तेल नहीं है ... और ब्रेड भी नहीं है ... तो साला वो चूहे का पिल्ला तेरे जैसे भुक्कड़ के घर में क्या कर रहा है ...

BOSS!!

A father wants to gift his son parrots. so he went to a pet shop and enquired about the rates of the parrots to the shop keeper
He asked the shop keeper, "how much for the parrot on the right?


The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000,
responds the shop keeper.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."


The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The shop keeper replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.


Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The shop keeper replied, "Rs. 10,000."
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this
bird's specialty was.
The shop keeper replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.

But the other two call him *"BOSS"!! *

paani le aao

Ek din 1 lady tota kharidne gyi?
Lady- iski kya khasiyat hai?
Dukandar- ye bolta hai ?
Lady ne Tote se pucha- main kaisi lagti hu?
Tota- Saali charecter less lagti hai?
Lady- ye to bahot batmiz tota hai?
Dukandar tota andar le gaya or zor se pani me duba ke pucha, bol ab gaali dega?
Tota-nahi kabhi nahi dunga?
Wo use bahar le gaya or lady se kaha ab puchiye?
Lady-agar mere ghar pe 1 admi aye to tum kya sochoge?
Tota-apka pati hai?
Lady-agar 2 ?
Tota-apka pati aur dever?
Lady-agar 3 ?
Tota-pati, dever aur bhai.?
Lady-agar 4?
Tota-pani le aao bhai, maine to pehle hi kaha tha saali character less hai...

Jumping Kangaroo !!

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
A twenty foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they`ll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Changed attitude !

Sachin received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren`t expletives were, to say the least, rude.
Sachin tried hard to change the bird`s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Sachin put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

Mightiest !!

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it`d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don`t know the answer, you don`t have to get so mad."

Smart dog

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I`m in deep trouble now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Ape removal

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not knowing quite what to do, he looks in the yellow pages under "Gorilla Removal Service" and sure enough finds a listing-Harry`s Ape Removal.
So he calls up Harry and about an hour later Harry shows up with all the tools of his trade, a pick-up truck, a pair of handcuffs, a ferociously-trained dog and a shotgun.
Harry then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to the man because he will need help:

Excited Zebra!

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I`m a zebra. What are you?"
"I`m a cow," said the cow.
"Right, right, what do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer."

Unusual pet

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, Would you like to go to Frank`s with me for a beer? But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?

Too fast !!

A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets.
After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.
After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could.
After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car.

The purrfect gift!

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him, he has just what he`s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to the colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is retty, but he doesn`t seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet`s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

Poor Snail

One day a man was sitting on his sofa at home when he heard a knock at the door. He got up to see who it was but when he opened the door no one was there. Just as he was about to sit down he heard the knock again but when he got there again, there was no one at the door.
He scratched his head, looked around for a second and looked down to see a tiny snail on the porch.
He picked up the snail, threw it into a field across the street and headed back inside to watch television again.

Confused parrot

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.
The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Sniffer!!!

A man gets on a plane with his dog.
"You can't bring a dog on this plane", says the stewardess!
"But this dog is special," says the passenger, "he's a sniffer dog."
"Prove it", says the stewardess.
The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane. After a minute, the dog reappears, jumps on his lap, and licks his left cheek.
"What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
"It means there's drugs on board." says the man.
"What else can he do?"The man clicks his fingers & the dog runs off again.

Animal Complaints

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.
The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"
The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"
Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

Tough job!

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

Dopin' Lizard

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The Dream Eggs!

Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"

Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.